No, actually this post will save me from the stress i've been going through lately hurhurrrr.
Now I'm on my one week holidays of Deepavali. Actually I have to study throughout this week sebab tinggal lagi 2 minggu je nak exam final, exam sem 3 pastu dah boleh blah dari sekolah & bebas dari gelaran pelajar stpm. Happy? Eksaited?? Tahlah. Aku takut nak exam, eksaited nak tinggalkan semua yang aku dah lama nak tinggalkan tapi nervous jugak about how am I going to urus my future. Nak kerja part time apa nanti, thinking about stuff to buy bila rumah baru dah siap, money moneeeey to buy laptop, to take driving license haih duit semuanya aduh kan best kalau duit tu senang je nak dapat. But, kalau duit senang dapat, takdenya aku nak struggle belajar. Goyang kaki jelah hidup hah takguna gak hidup centu kan. Semua benda ada sebab so kena follow jelah takdir and usaha so everything will be better.
So yeeaah, as what i've said, sekarang ni aku tengah cuti. Biasa cuti ni tau tak apa penyakit dia? Penyakit dia is stress tanpa sebab, sikit sikit jadi cengeng duk menangis, emotional semacam. Aku taktahulah depression apa yang aku tengah alami but I'll cry myself to sleep or just wanting to walk alone somewhere. Bila stress mula lah aku fikir about how bitter is my childhood, being bullied, being afraid of everything, don't have any friends. As i'm growing up, I tried to opened up & I trust some people and then they left me, I regret knowing lots of people in my life, I regret trusting the people that I shouldn't trust at the first place ha ha. Now, dekat sekolah aku rasa tak bebas. Aku takut nak jadi diri aku sebenar, aku jadi sangaaat timid sampai aku rasa tak fun, aku rindu diri aku yang lama tapi aku takut nak jadi my old self. I keep being senyap and pendam semua cerita. Things are difficult especially when my only bestfriend jauh and everytime aku nangis malam tu, keesokkan harinya aku dah better so I ended up tak cerita papepun kat dia. Hm and i've been haunted by my own monster during what had happened in form 4. I can't forgive myself. I hate myself everyday, trust me I hate everything that I am. I feels sorry to everyone that known me. I'm just a burden. I have nothing I am good at, I keep hurting the people around me. Everytime they give me that hatred looks, I keep hating myself more and more ha ha okay this is so depressing i'm sorry.
Actually I didn't intend to make any post on this blog, i'm about to make a new fiction for my other blog but I forgot the email so I am here writing nonsense hahahaha by the waay I just got my muet result recently and Alhamdulillah thanks to god I got Band 4 yay. I am soooooo happy because my target is actually just to get Band 3 harhar. And recently I did some research about what course should I continue later for my degree, and i'm thinking to get into Sociology and Antropology. You know, I'm just getting curious about some stuffs so yeah. But you know, you don't always get what you want.So hm I don't have any high hopes anyway. I'm okay with whatever that will be given to me aha I think I have write enough la I want to korek my email so I can write so fics. Okay bye blog.
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